ARE you bored of your partner and wonder if life would be better without them?
Before you pack your bags, STOP – ending your marriage or long-term relationship could be a massive mistake.
Changes in law and no-fault divorces makes splitting up easier to navigate – and often less expensive- but Sara Davison, The Divorce Coach, says the grass might not be greener.
“Relationships take work and it’s really important to find out exactly why you are feeling this way, for everyone’s sake,” she says.
“The last thing you want to do is act hastily, without getting to the bottom of your unhappiness and whether breaking up would be the right decision.
"The grass isn’t always greener.”
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Here, Sara reveals the five questions to ask yourself before you decide to call time on your relationship
AM I OVERREACTING?
People often come to me and say: ‘This has happened and I’m done’. But it is usually a decision in the heat of the moment over something small that has been festering for a while.
Ask yourself whether you are overreacting – or if your feelings are a symptom of larger stresses. We tend to take things out on the people we love.
If you have tension in your life over finances, work, mental health or kids, a row with your lover on top can seem like the final straw.
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Be honest about how you regulate your own emotions too. Some of us can be super fiery in the moment and then all is forgotten tomorrow. Others like to hold a grudge and allow a small argument to turn into a stalemate that drives a wedge between you.
Likewise, was your partner’s behaviour intentional or malicious? It could be a genuine mistake or miscommunication.
IS MY RELATIONSHIP REALLY THAT RUBBISH?
You're certain you're unhappy – but why is this? We tend to generalise and say: ‘My relationship is rubbish’. But rarely are we specific about the reasons.
Doing this exercise will help give you clarity. When you break it down, you might find there are lots of thing you do like and enjoy, which were why you fell in love in the first place.
There's also going to be things that drive you mad. It could be a small habit, like they drop their pants on the floor every night and you have to pick them up. Is this a deal breaker? Do you want to spend the next 20 years fuming over it? Or could it be fixed?
If it's a more fundamental issue – like they are unkind, disrespectful, disloyal or you have simply grown apart – that is a bigger challenge and might be a sign that things are coming to an end.
AM I PLAYING A BLAME GAME?
Once you have identified specific actions, behaviours or words – or all three – that are causing difficulties, consider whether anything can be done.
Have you ever mentioned what is upsetting you to your other half? Sometimes they just don’t know and you need to make them aware.
Boundaries are vital in relationships, alongside communication. But these can change over time and it’s okay to no longer tolerate actions you may have let go before.
If you are in a healthy relationship, you should be able to have a discussion. Tell them: ‘When do you this, it makes me feel like this’. But be careful to avoid blame and also give them feedback on the positive things they do that make you feel happy and secure.
Agree some small steps that you can work on together and set a time frame. I think 12 weeks is a good amount for establishing whether the changes are sustainable. But you both have to agree to try.
Relationships don’t just ‘work’ – they need work. Successful couples put the time in to talk and to listen, with no blame, then work together as a team.
This exercise will also give you further clarity around whether you are both committed to making the partnership work.
DO I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY MUM?
There is never a ‘right’ time to split up – but there is sometimes a ‘wrong’ time.
You need to get your ducks in a row before you call time and be honest what it would mean for you and your family.
If you have kids, there is a wider emotional fall out to consider. Are they taking exams or about to start school?
Would it be better to wait, for their sake? Likewise, would it be putting you under additional and intolerable stress if you have to sell the house or change jobs?
Finances are a huge part of this. You won’t be able to sustain what you had. Think about your budget – what kind of housing can you afford and will you have to take on extra work?
Think it through before you pack your bags and find yourself sleeping on the sofa at your mum’s house because you can’t afford to rent alone.
Ask yourself if you are prepared to deal with these lifestyle pressures on top of the emotional ones. Your partner might be annoying but your new single life might be more so.
On the flip side, staying simply because you feel guilty about leaving can create a toxic environment and isn't the way forward.
CAN I LIVE MY BREAK-UP BUCKET LIST NOW?
This question is not about your partner – it’s about you.
In relationships, almost all of us self-sacrifice to one extent or another, especially when you are a mum and everyone else comes tops.
But self-care is not selfish. Like passengers on a plane that’s run into problems, you need your oxygen mask on before you can help anyone else. A lot of my clients have never thought about what truly makes them happy and who they are outside of their relationship.
What makes you tick – what do you want more of in your life – and what do you want less of? Also, think about what you need emotionally from a partner, whether they should pick you up when you feel low or someone more adventurous.
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Perhaps your love has become stale and making these changes together could bring back the sparkle.
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