I discovered my husband had been having an affair after he died – then I found out he’d sent her all our savings – The Sun

DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT my husband was absolutely wonderful and I was devastated when he died suddenly of a heart attack last week.

Now I’ve discovered that, for five years, he had been having an affair with a woman I know. I am devastated twice over.

This was my second marriage. My first husband was a drinker and cheated on me with several women until I finally found the courage to walk away.

I met my second husband 15 years ago. He seemed to adore me and gave me what I thought was financial security. He was 66 and I am 57.

He protected his phone with a secret PIN — he said it was because you could access our bank account via the phone so it was safer.

He never offered to tell me the PIN and I didn’t like to seem to mistrust him so I didn’t ask.

But after he died I needed to sort out lots of affairs and managed to work out what his PIN was likely to be, based on his mother’s birthday.

I was right, so I started looking through everything, searching for contacts I needed.

I was totally shocked when it became clear from texts and messages that he had been seeing another woman as long as he’d had the phone — so maybe even longer than that.

The bank account which I thought contained our nest egg was empty because he’d kept sending her money.

We didn’t used to have sex as he said he’d lost the ability but I’ve now found he had a regular prescription for Viagra. He’d been seeing her at least once a week.

He was still working part-time as a self-employed plumber and I never suspected he wasn’t at work when he wasn’t at home.

I know this woman and where she lives. She’s 20 years younger than he was and has got a terrible reputation.

I’m longing to confront her. My whole world has fallen apart. What can I do?


TWO in five women are sexually dissatisfied – often because neither they nor their partners understand how female sexual responses differ from men’s.

My e-leaflet How To Thrill A Woman In Bed can help.

For a copy, email [email protected] or private message me on my Dear Deidre Facebook.

DEIDRE SAYS: What a heart-breaking discovery. I am so sorry for your double loss. Your husband was very wrong to deceive you like that but let’s focus on how to comfort you now rather than blame him.

Don’t forget those 15 happy years together. I am sure he did love you but compartmentalised. This other woman existed in another box in his life.

Maybe he suffered from sexual guilt and found it hard to be sexual with you – the woman he loved and respected as his wife.

I doubt he respected his mistress the way he did you. Think how frustrating she must have found it that he wouldn’t leave you for her.

But you need understanding support to talk it through. Contact Cruse (, 0808 808 1677).

I’m afraid you’re not the first spouse to make a horrible discovery when they’ve just lost their partner.

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