An ex-colleague wants a relationship off the back of a one-night stand. She says she deserves a chance to prove herself as a proper girlfriend. She’s not interested in casual sex or dates with me, she wants dignity and status.
But how do I let her down gently when commitment is the last thing on my mind?
She and I worked together three years ago. We were best mates, we hung out and had a laugh but never crossed that line – we never snogged or had sex.
Three weeks ago, however, our old boss held a Christmas party. All of the old gang were there. There was plenty of booze and we had a ball.
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Towards the end of the evening this woman sidled up to me with mistletoe.
We started snogging and couldn’t stop. People cheered and stamped as we gripped each other for dear life. I could hear cries of, “Get a room,” so we did.
We rushed across the road and booked into a hotel where we romped and screamed all night. I said goodbye to her in the morning thinking no more about it.
But now she’s insisting I do the decent thing. She’s storming that everyone she cares about will think she’s a slapper if I don’t follow through and make her my full-time girlfriend. She insists that everyone saw us together and she deserves respect.
She’s texting and calling me all the time. She says that she’s willing to be patient but won’t wait forever.
What does that mean? Is she threatening me? What if she turns into a bunny boiler?
I don’t consider myself a bad or cruel person but if I don’t want a relationship, then surely, I’m allowed to say that? I thought I knew her but she’s showing a whole other (harder) side.
JANE SAYS: There’s no denying that this woman sounds disappointed and crushed but you can’t date someone you neither fancy nor desire.
Unfortunately, she now feels embarrassed. A gang of your ex-colleagues saw you together at the party.
You can see where she’s coming from especially as you and she were such good friends for so many years.
What you have to do now is be a bigger person. Step up and clear the air before this situation becomes messy.
Can you arrange a face-to-face meeting, in a neutral setting, so that she feels respected and listened to? Can you explain that you’re really sorry, but you’re not in the market for a relationship?
It’s very sad that a once close association has come to this, but you can’t fake interest if it’s not there.
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It might sound extreme, but you might have to consider contacting a lawyer.
If your drinking is a problem, then do you need to do something about cutting back or stopping altogether?
Let this whole mess be a wake-up call for you to take care and treat others better in future.
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