DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover keeps telling me to be patient and reassures me we will be together properly soon. But it’s three years since we started our affair and he’s still married.
Now he says he can’t leave because his wife wouldn’t cope.
He was my shoulder to cry on when I went through a bad breakup.
My ex is an alcoholic and though we have a son together, I couldn’t take any more.
I’m 30 and my ex is 35 We were together for 18 months.
I met my lover, who is a newsagent, when I worked for him. He is 42 and very considerate.
He was my go-to person when the chips were down. He even helped pack up my things and moved me out when I finally left my ex, taking my baby with me.
He let me stay in his flat above his shop while I found my own place. One evening he brought me some groceries.
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When he dropped them off, I started crying. I was feeling that low. He hugged me and as I lifted my chin, we kissed.
It seemed the most natural thing in the world. We had sex and while it felt wrong, it was also so right.
He said he was arguing with his wife constantly and he knew they should split up. He has three teenage kids. We’ve been having our affair for three years now and he says he will leave his wife but hasn’t.
He claims his wife knows there is no marriage left — and they sleep in separate bedrooms. But she has mental health struggles and he is worried leaving might be too much for her.
He tells me we will be together by my birthday or by Christmas or “by the summer”. But nothing happens. Nothing changes.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Three years is time enough for him to make the break. It is now time to be kind to yourself.
Give him an ultimatum. Explain that casual relationships are not your style and you want some commitment.
His wife must find some therapy to help her get over the marriage failure.
She has had time to come to terms with everything. Either he tells her he is moving on or it is over for the two of you. Give him a month. If he does nothing, you must accept it will never change.
It will be tough but you are worth more than staying in a one-sided, no-strings relationship.
You deserve better and my support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about how to handle this sort of situation.
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