The vicious royal assassination that shames even Harry and Meghan’s odious cheerleader: MAUREEN CALLAHAN – who’s read Omid Scobie’s Endgame so you don’t have to – is horrified at its unblushing cruelty

Call it ‘Spare: The Sequel.’ Or ‘WAAAGH: The Whining Abides’ – with one caveat.

This latest go-round, Omid Scobie’s ‘Endgame’, is an even meaner, bitchier burn book, one full of misogyny and monarchical slights.

To paraphrase one of pop culture’s most delusional anti-heroines: Meghan and Harry’s tales of woe are NOT going to be IGNORED!

You may be under the impression, as I sorely was, that we’ve heard it all before: Oprah, The Cut, Meghan’s podcasts, Netflix, Anderson Cooper, Tom Bradby, the Apple TV+ series, the aforementioned ‘Spare’.

Alas, we have not.

‘As for Meghan,’ Scobie writes, ‘the full story is still emerging.’

Is it? Because in all its 369 pages, ‘Endgame’ – retail price $32.00 – offers no new information about our Duchess of Despair and Disparagement.

Call it ‘Spare: The Sequel.’ Or ‘WAAAGH: The Whining Abides’ – with one caveat. This latest go-round, Omid Scobie’s ‘Endgame’, is an even meaner, bitchier burn book, one full of misogyny and monarchical slights.

To paraphrase one of pop culture’s most delusional anti-heroines: Meghan and Harry’s tales of woe are NOT going to be IGNORED! You may be under the impression, as I sorely was, that we’ve heard it all before. Alas, we have not. ‘As for Meghan,’ Scobie (pictured) writes, ‘the full story is still emerging.’

We are, however, given yet more promises of her great things to come.

It is said Meghan has abandoned that much-hyped plan to relaunch her vapid lifestyle blog The Tig and will instead create ‘something more accessible… rooted in her love of details, curating, hosting, life’s simple pleasures, and family.’

That is one gelatinous, gooey mission statement. Here’s hoping Meghan can accomplish all that while engaged in similar Californian vagaries such as holding space, setting intentions, standing in power and speaking her truth.

As for hapless Harry, he’s seemingly still perseverating over old slights, even ones previously relayed in granular detail — such as the infamous ‘broken necklace’ incident, William ‘knocking him to the floor,’ Scobie writes, ‘where bits of a smashed dog bowl lacerated and bruised his back.’

You know, the sibling squabble roundly mocked by commentators everywhere. At least we are spared (pardon the pun) Harry’s frostbitten penis, salved with Diana’s favorite Elizabeth Arden cream.

Yet Scobie assures us, as with Meghan, that despite Harry’s endless disclosures — including that 125,000 word, 416-page memoir — we still don’t know him either.

‘The Duke of Sussex,’ he writes, ‘is on a mission to reclaim his story, his life, and his image from the media and the public’s fantastical accounts.’

Is that right? I’d say we in America know Harry — and Meghan — all too well. And we have heard quite enough.

Scobie proudly describes himself as ‘a true insider,’ the ostensible top royal reporter in the States — implying that Americans think as he does, are as sympathetic and idolatrous of this gruesome twosome.

Not so. Despite his woeful claims that ‘large swathes’ of people support Harry and Meghan, a YouGov poll for Newsweek in September found the Duchess has a net approval rating of -2, with Harry only slightly ahead of her.

As for ‘Endgame’ itself: This book is littered with clichés, just strewn with them. ‘Grist for the mill’, ‘tall order’, ‘stood out like a sore thumb’, ‘couldn’t catch a break’, ‘turn a blind eye’, ‘save their own skin’, ‘soften the blow’ – to name a few.

It all speaks to Scobie’s lack of original thought, creativity, or skill at his actual vocation. In this, he has much in common with Harry and Meghan – who have claimed they had nothing to do with this book, unlike his 2020 Sussex hagiography ‘Finding Freedom’.

As we all know, Meghan was forced to walk back her earlier assertion, apologizing to a UK court after admitting she had ‘forgotten’ that she provided a key aide with ‘briefing notes’ for the book.

Scobie proudly describes himself as ‘a true insider,’ the ostensible top royal reporter in the States – implying that Americans think as he does, are as sympathetic and idolatrous of this gruesome twosome. Not so. I’d say we in America have all heard quite enough.

Either way, Scobie remains H&M’s number one cheerleader, telling the Evening Standard on Tuesday that people ‘in their orbit’ were more than happy to reveal to him ‘the ins and outs of things’.

Of course, in ‘Endgame’, as in ‘Finding Freedom’, everyone is to blame and needs to take accountability — except Harry and Meghan, who remain ever faultless.

You see, they are not flesh and blood but rather saints, idols, deities we have yet to worship fully.

In advancing such delusions, it is hardly surprising that this book indulges – luxuriates in, really – petty, dark and vicious attacks on Kate and Camilla especially. It’s written with all the emotional maturity and intellectual complexity of a toddler. And a rather sexist one at that.

For all of Meghan and Harry’s public preening — ‘be kind’ is their insufferable motto — Scobie’s book lacks even a flicker of said kindness.

Here we are on the Queen Consort: ‘a chain-smoking adulteress who made Diana’s life hell.’

‘Raunchy and randy,’ Scobie writes of a young Camilla, ‘the sort to “throw her knickers on the table”.’

‘A born mistress’ whose grandmother was King Edward VII’s ‘illicit plaything’ – not a human, a thing.

Scobie returns to Camilla’s underwear, quoting a housekeeper who tidied up after Charles: ‘After she’s been staying, I find knickers all over the place.’

We also revisit Harry’s claim that Camilla’s redemption arc meant that there would be ‘bodies left in the street,’ Harry’s among them. And he wonders why King Charles keeps his distance.

He cannot understand why William won’t return his texts, either, even as Scobie takes yet more digs at Kate, who was only ever good and welcoming to her brother-in-law.

Kate is depicted as ‘lazy’ and ‘cold’. She was a commoner who needed ‘elocution lessons’ to level up to William. She withered in Meghan’s shadow and tried to compete with our favorite C-list actress, our new Duchess of Hertz, that feminist icon who barely survived a two-hour high-speed car chase through gridlocked Midtown Manhattan.

Of course, in ‘Endgame’, as in ‘Finding Freedom’, everyone is to blame and needs to take accountability – except Harry and Meghan, who remain ever faultless. In advancing such delusions, it is hardly surprising that this book indulges petty, dark and vicious attacks on Kate and Camilla especially.

Here we are on the Queen Consort: ‘a chain-smoking adulteress who made Diana’s life hell.’ ‘Raunchy and randy,’ Scobie writes of a young Camilla, ‘the sort to “throw her knickers on the table”.’

Kate’s work on her initiative championing early childhood development, we are told, ‘seemed a shade performative.’

Her weight comes under scrutiny. And we are reminded of the derogatory nickname ‘Waity Katie’ — even introduced to a new one, ‘Katie Keen’.

She is but a ‘shiny thing’ to the royals, a princess without purpose or a point — unlike the true star Meghan, to whom everything just comes so easily. So effortless. Who wouldn’t be jealous — even a future Queen?

Per Scobie: ‘With [Meghan’s] outgoing nature and leadership potential, qualities for which Kate isn’t known…’

In case that wasn’t clear enough, read on: ‘With her acting experience and upbeat demeanor, Meghan was supremely comfortable in her public-facing role, even when she initially knew very little about it.’

I’m sorry — weren’t we told Meghan found it so rough, so hard to assimilate, that she was suicidal?

It can’t be both. Meghan can’t have been instantly beloved yet utterly distraught. Just as the royals can’t be racist devils and then disavowed as such by no less than Harry.

And while Meghan told Oprah that one person in The Firm voiced ‘concerns’ over Archie’s skin color, we are now told in ‘Endgame’ that it was two, and that Meghan informed Charles of this in a private letter.

A letter containing claims presumably known only to its sender and recipient – and perhaps their spouses. Does anyone think Charles and Camilla had any part in briefing Scobie?

After all, here’s how Scobie describes the new monarch: ‘King Charles III… Even after all this time, it still doesn’t look quite right on the page.’

Scobie questions whether Charles is truly ‘up to the job’, adding in a particularly base attack: ‘Everyone already knows that [he] might have preferred a life as Queen Camilla’s tampon.’

Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy.

William doesn’t fare much better. We are told he has rage issues and is a hopeless ‘company man’. Even the late Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth are slandered as bigots.

Surely, Harry and Meghan’s bridge back to Windsor isn’t just burned by ‘Endgame’. It’s torpedoed, blown to smithereens, never to be rebuilt.

Yet we are told how deliriously happy they are in Montecito, as ‘the morning sun rises over Santa Barbara… the Pacific Ocean sparkles with California’s trademark glow.’

As for those ill-advised Netflix and Spotify deals? ‘The pressures of a watching world prodded them to go full throttle.’

Won’t we get it? Nothing is ever their fault.

Even the late Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth are slandered as bigots. Surely, Harry and Meghan’s bridge back to Windsor isn’t just burned by ‘Endgame’. It’s torpedoed, blown to smithereens, never to be rebuilt.

‘Endgame’ is but the latest entry in the deranged files of the Duke and Duchess of Montecito, depicted here as living their best lives despite hoping, wishing and praying that the royals will apologize for their sins and welcome them back.

Or maybe not. Nothing they do or say really makes sense, does it?

The entire point of this book is that the royals are nothing without Harry and Meghan — William and Kate are now hustling, Scobie tells us, to ‘fill the void’ — but really, Harry and Meghan are nothing without the royals.

The proof is in these pages. There is zero new content, nothing we haven’t heard before. One can only surmise that’s due to lack of access. The Sussexes are being starved out and have no new stories to sell.

And so, this latest re-spinning of their tall tales has only become more bitter and more vengeful – except, of course, when they’re getting closure and making peace with their lot.

As Scobie quotes Harry: ‘I’m ready to move on past it. Whether we get an apology or accountability, who knows? Who really cares at this point?’

Who really cares, indeed?

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