Amber Rudd sings for Eurovision, Clegg becomes a US citizen, and Rees-Mogg’s Bonfire Night plot is foiled: PETER OBORNE makes his (tongue in cheek) predictions for 2019
JANUARY: Theresa May repeats her mantra ‘Brexit means Brexit’, and says there will never be a second referendum while she is Prime Minister.
Meanwhile, the Cabinet issues secret orders for millions of bread ration cards to be printed by The Stationery Office in the event of no deal. Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson is suspected of leaking the story to the Press.
The resulting furore forces Mrs May to suggest a second referendum is a possibility.
The Canadian government announces plans to start building a giant wall along the 5,525-mile border with America to stop U.S. citizens fleeing because they are fed up with President Trump. The Brexit Secretary (the 14th appointment to the post since Mrs May became PM) goes missing in Brussels.
Theresa May repeats her mantra ‘Brexit means Brexit’, and says there will never be a second referendum while she is Prime Minister
Facebook’s head of global affairs and communications, Nick Clegg, messages his 405,000 followers: ‘This means Brexit doesn’t mean Brexit!’
Boris Johnson publishes a new diet and fitness book, claiming weight loss of 10lb in as many days. His Cabinet enemies say the loss is merely due to his new short haircut.
FEBRUARY: Mrs May announces that a second EU referendum will be held on March 14 (coincidentally Brexiteer Michael Caine’s birthday). She survives a Commons censure motion put down by Jeremy Corbyn as 80 Labour MPs miss the vote because they are at the Marx Memorial Library listening to a debate entitled ‘Trade Unions, Class and Power’.
Inspired by the example of the ‘gilets jaunes’ (yellow jackets) French anti-government demonstrators, Jacob Rees-Mogg forms a new protest group, the Gilets Tweed. Nick Clegg takes a sabbatical from Facebook to lead the ‘We love EU’ campaign.
MARCH: Theresa May’s next Brexit Secretary is appointed. Since no MP would accept the job, it has gone to Jose Mourinho, whom it’s necessary to make a peer.
Transport and Drones Secretary Chris Grayling gives a covert order to requisition 30 cruise liners to ferry Remainers to France to begin new lives if the 2016 Brexit vote is confirmed in the second poll. Despite a massive campaign in favour of staying in the EU, led by the Bank of England, the British public vote by 18.4 million to 15.1 million to Leave — a majority of a million more than in June 2016. A no-deal Brexit moves inexorably closer.
APRIL: With Brexit D-Day having been delayed by a month to prevent April Fool’s Day street protests, the Government faces a challenge from a new pro-EU party led by Tony Blair, called Gilets And Lederhosen.
A welcome distraction comes with the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan’s first child, nicknamed ‘Sparkle’ by the Press.
A welcome distraction comes with the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan’s first child, nicknamed ‘Sparkle’ by the Press
No-deal Brexit day arrives. Bank of England governor Mark Carney says: ‘All who practised unrighteousness, in any of its forms, and remain unrepentant, will earn God’s wrath and righteous judgment.’ Nick Clegg tweets: ‘The end is nigh.’ He says he’s seeking American citizenship.
Mrs May survives a Remainer coup after Mr Corbyn is expelled from the Commons by Speaker Bercow’s recent replacement, Yvette Cooper, for mouthing ‘stupid moo’ at the PM.
MAY: Britain’s tourist hot-spots report record low visitor numbers. Exceptions are Salisbury, which is listed as a ‘must-see’ in a popular Russian guidebook, and Cheltenham, where the nearby GCHQ features in a travel guide published by the Chinese government.
Tony Blair seeks asylum in Germany — buying a 200-room castle in the town of Berchtesgaden. Lord (Peter) Mandelson purchases a neighbouring property in the Bauhaus style which had been advertised in Tatler magazine.
Tony Blair seeks asylum in Germany — buying a 200-room castle in the town of Berchtesgaden
There’s an unexpected move as tycoon Sir Philip Green is appointed as Britain’s ambassador to Washington DC to speed up a post-Brexit trade deal with the U.S.
Mrs May rebukes Remainer doom-mongers, who had predicted Armageddon after a no-deal Brexit. But a goodwill visit to Dover harbour staff has to be cancelled after her ministerial convoy is trapped in a 40-mile tailback of lorries on the A2 outside Sittingbourne and has to turn back to London. Mrs May receives a surprise invitation to the World Tightrope Walkers Convention at Niagara Falls.
JUNE: Sir Philip Green is recalled as ambassador to Washington after Donald Trump complains about his uncouth behaviour, sexism and bad language.
A novelty double act — featuring Sir Cliff Richard and Amber Rudd — is chosen as Britain’s entry for the Eurovision Song Contest
A novelty double act — featuring Sir Cliff Richard and Amber Rudd — is chosen as Britain’s entry for the Eurovision Song Contest, which is delayed due to Brexit. The song is called ‘CongratEUlations’.
But after French President Emmanuel Macron gets them banned because ‘Britain is no longer part of Europe’, they enter the Global Song Contest. However, the Russian entry, Singing In Ukraine, wins, despite fears that an army of Kremlin-organised computer bots rigged the vote.
Gongs for terror attack heroes: Police, medics and 999 staff…
Theresa May is accused of ‘shameless abuse of patronage’…
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Boris Johnson accepts an invitation to be a contestant on ITV’s Celebrity Fit Club after his dieting fails and he admits he weighs 20st. An unnamed Remain donor secures Mrs May a surprise invitation to the World Knife-Throwing Convention in Kazakhstan.
JULY: Drones shut Heathrow airport for a week. Transport and Drones Secretary Chris Grayling takes personal responsibility and says he’ll police the 14-mile perimeter fence himself by doing night-time patrols with a torch.
Transport and Drones Secretary Chris Grayling takes personal responsibility and says he’ll police the 14-mile perimeter fence himself
President Trump hails the no-deal Brexit while announcing plans to export to Britain 400 million U.S. chickens treated with chlorine. Furious health campaigners and Remainers launch nationwide protests. Bottles of bleach are poured into Downing Street. Nick Clegg dresses up as a chicken for a photo on Facebook and calls on Mrs May to quit.
AUGUST: As a result of Britain pulling out of the EU’s Galileo satellite project, despite us having invested £1.2billion in the programme, ministers agree to help fund Nasa’s New Horizons spacecraft in the U.S.
Its Deep Space probe reaches Pluto and reports back that humanoid forms are locked in a fierce Solexit debate. Remainers say it would be a disaster for Pluto to leave the solar system.
SEPTEMBER: Cricket — Australia retain the Ashes, winning the series 3-0 after the final match at The Oval. The Aussies celebrate by demanding a referendum on becoming a republic.
Transport and Drones Secretary Chris Grayling announces that he will visit Australia to argue against the move. However, protesters demonstrating against the import of U.S. chlorinated chicken cut through Heathrow fences and Grayling’s flight is cancelled as the airport shuts down for a week.
Tycoon Richard Branson offers to take control of UK airport security, but is rebuffed when he says he wants a fourth runway at Heathrow to accommodate his Virgin Galactic space rocket.
Mrs May laughs off a proposal for Britain to merge with Norway. As a sop to Scottish nationalists, the Oslo government had suggested that Scotland could become an independent buffer state. Jacob Rees-Mogg jokes in the Commons that the Norwegian PM, Erna Fortinbras, could be asked to clear up the corpses at next month’s Tory party conference if anti-Mrs May plotters stab each other in the back.
On her annual summer walking holiday, the Prime Minister survives an encounter with criminologist and arch-Remainer Professor Moriarty at the picturesque Reichenbach Falls.
OCTOBER: The U.S. Congress starts impeachment proceedings against President Trump. His subpoenaed records expose multiple hidden sex scandals. Trump’s poll rating rises by 9 per cent.
In France, new austerity measures trigger a new wave of protesters wearing grubby raincoats (or Dirty Macrons). Mrs May reshuffles her Cabinet, clearing out all remaining Remainers. Principal victim is Chancellor Philip Hammond, who resigns as an MP and becomes editor of the East Anglian Daily Times.
NOVEMBER: The Mueller investigation into President Trump uncovers a secret White House deal with Vladimir Putin to give Alaska back to Russia. Trump’s support stays solid. Mrs May survives a Bonfire Night plot by Jacob Rees-Mogg. He’d got his children’s nanny to buy the gunpowder from Harrods. Boris Johnson announces he weighs 12st after ‘living off a diet of humble pie.’
DECEMBER: World economic revival begins. It’s boosted by the resignation of President Trump (after tax records showed he had a secret rouble account held on Komsomolets Island in the Russian Arctic). Mike Pence becomes America’s 46th president. From Facebook’s California HQ, Nick Clegg goes on Instagram to say he is now a U.S. citizen. Theresa May looks forward to her fourth Christmas in No 10.
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